"Everybody's born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I'd really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can't seem to do it. They just don't get it." -Haruki Murakami
my brain seizes to rest as the early hours of the morning creep up on me. i have finally found some sort of sanctity. this may branch off merely from hours of deep inner investigation and deconstruction, or it may be that my mind has turned off the switch for the night and is allowing my thoughts and heart a chance to breathe.
do you ever loathe those around you to the point of almost cutting off communication entirely? i suppose i find myself doing this more than i ever have before. it's odd. i try to rationalize it in my head often. sometimes, i don't want to put myself through the absolute horror of seeing the flaws and the bits of humanity that just disgust me to the core. the qualities in people that make me cringe. yet, with that said, i can't stand the idea of being alone without quality people to pick me up-dust me off-and tell me to get it together and quit the angst against others.
i need real people. real people with real raw emotions and attitudes. try to convince me that it's possible to like every person you meet. it's not. no matter how you may try to make heads or tails of it, the fact of the matter is--not all people have good intentions and good hearts. finding the very few "good ones" takes time and patience, and i've learned that.
...i also decided i need another artistic outlet; i think i'll take up painting
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