day 9 of my cleanse is coming to a close. with that being said, i can proudly admit that this health challenge has empowered me in other areas of my life. i started to discover how strong my willpower is and how beautiful it is to be supported by family and friends. up until this point in life, i've hid from reality in a sense and coming face to face with that was a little frightening. i think about the excuses and lies i told myself to feel less guilty about eating the wrong things or drinking every night and i see now that i am my own worst enemy. i realized if i'm going to make the change, the time is NOW. why wait? each day is sacred and should be cherished. people need to live day to day! it's crucial to see that putting off what is important to you because you don't have the courage to face it is only setting you back further from what you want most out of life.
i'm beginning to see how lovely life can be if you make conscious choices to color it the way that suits you best. happiness is not a far-fetched concept and you don't have to look far to find it. start with yourself and then work forward.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
He was my bird
every so often i need to be re-inspired after losing that little bit of inspiration i once had. after a challenging semester at school i needed to take time during my winter break to find a different outlet for my creative mind&heart to bloom. my source of this inspiration came from a documentary dan and i watched a couple days ago. 'In a Dream' is a film about Isaiah Zagar, a 68 year-old who has spent years dedicating himself to the art of mosaics in Philadelphia.
Monday, August 31, 2009
people are so fickle
"Everybody's born with some different thing at the core of their existence. And that thing, whatever it is, becomes like a heat source that runs each person from the inside. I have one too, of course. Like everybody else. But sometimes it gets out of hand. It swells or shrinks inside me, and it shakes me up. What I'd really like to do is find a way to communicate that feeling to another person. But I can't seem to do it. They just don't get it." -Haruki Murakami
my brain seizes to rest as the early hours of the morning creep up on me. i have finally found some sort of sanctity. this may branch off merely from hours of deep inner investigation and deconstruction, or it may be that my mind has turned off the switch for the night and is allowing my thoughts and heart a chance to breathe.
do you ever loathe those around you to the point of almost cutting off communication entirely? i suppose i find myself doing this more than i ever have before. it's odd. i try to rationalize it in my head often. sometimes, i don't want to put myself through the absolute horror of seeing the flaws and the bits of humanity that just disgust me to the core. the qualities in people that make me cringe. yet, with that said, i can't stand the idea of being alone without quality people to pick me up-dust me off-and tell me to get it together and quit the angst against others.
i need real people. real people with real raw emotions and attitudes. try to convince me that it's possible to like every person you meet. it's not. no matter how you may try to make heads or tails of it, the fact of the matter is--not all people have good intentions and good hearts. finding the very few "good ones" takes time and patience, and i've learned that.
...i also decided i need another artistic outlet; i think i'll take up painting
my brain seizes to rest as the early hours of the morning creep up on me. i have finally found some sort of sanctity. this may branch off merely from hours of deep inner investigation and deconstruction, or it may be that my mind has turned off the switch for the night and is allowing my thoughts and heart a chance to breathe.
do you ever loathe those around you to the point of almost cutting off communication entirely? i suppose i find myself doing this more than i ever have before. it's odd. i try to rationalize it in my head often. sometimes, i don't want to put myself through the absolute horror of seeing the flaws and the bits of humanity that just disgust me to the core. the qualities in people that make me cringe. yet, with that said, i can't stand the idea of being alone without quality people to pick me up-dust me off-and tell me to get it together and quit the angst against others.
i need real people. real people with real raw emotions and attitudes. try to convince me that it's possible to like every person you meet. it's not. no matter how you may try to make heads or tails of it, the fact of the matter is--not all people have good intentions and good hearts. finding the very few "good ones" takes time and patience, and i've learned that.
...i also decided i need another artistic outlet; i think i'll take up painting
Sunday, May 31, 2009
postcards from italy
"The times we had
Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad, we put our feet just where they had,
had to go, never to go
The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times, those were our times
And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine"
Oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow
Were not all bad, we put our feet just where they had,
had to go, never to go
The shattered soul
Following close but nearly twice as slow
In my good times
There were always golden rocks to throw
at those who admit defeat too late
Those were our times, those were our times
And I will love to see that day
That day is mine
When she will marry me outside with the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine"
Friday, May 29, 2009
reflective thoughts
It's about 1:30 a.m. on Friday and for some reason my brain won't stop working and my first impulse is to write. It's been a long time past since I took the time to really step back and reflect on my life the past few months, never mind put it down into words. The soothing melodies of Oren Lavie accompany me as I write this and I feel a great sense of ease after an emotional day.
The Van Farrier Tribute Concert was a great success, needless to say. It was incredible to see students, parents, faculty and friends gather for such an important celebration of the life and legacy Van left. As I practiced my song before the actual concert itself, I broke down. This song "A Change in Me" resonates so deeply with me. Van pushed me to shine with this song and encouraged me to just go for it. As I go through old e-mails between the two of us during the time of Beauty in the Beast (two years ago this past March) his words really helped me to believe in myself. His words read, "Please continue to trust me (and Ms. Rowe-Beddoe) because we sincerely believe in you." Sometimes, when I doubt myself I just have to remember that he really did believe in me and what I am capable of doing. Tonight was bittersweet. Being students of Van's, we knew we should honor his hard work and time spent doing these shows year after year. No matter how challenging the show, or how pressed we were for time--somehow, Van helped us pull it together. Just as Van pulled all of it together, so did we with this one rehearsal process. That in itself would have put such a smile on Van's face. I can see it when I close my eyes.
Being home in Western Mass makes me never want to return to Philadelphia. I love it there, but there's really nothing like being home with some of the most genuine people I have ever met. Especially after the night I've had and seeing some faces I haven't seen in oh so long--I just want more time home to catch up. I dread the return back. Home to an empty house, bills, and long commutes. It's a whole different lifestyle living in Philadelphia. Obviously it deems more independent and requires a whole hell of a lot more than when I'm home. But being twenty, I find myself reaching for my youth again. My youth seems so far in the past now but I know that I'm taking care of business...all I have to do now is find a job in this awful economy. Pffft!
The Van Farrier Tribute Concert was a great success, needless to say. It was incredible to see students, parents, faculty and friends gather for such an important celebration of the life and legacy Van left. As I practiced my song before the actual concert itself, I broke down. This song "A Change in Me" resonates so deeply with me. Van pushed me to shine with this song and encouraged me to just go for it. As I go through old e-mails between the two of us during the time of Beauty in the Beast (two years ago this past March) his words really helped me to believe in myself. His words read, "Please continue to trust me (and Ms. Rowe-Beddoe) because we sincerely believe in you." Sometimes, when I doubt myself I just have to remember that he really did believe in me and what I am capable of doing. Tonight was bittersweet. Being students of Van's, we knew we should honor his hard work and time spent doing these shows year after year. No matter how challenging the show, or how pressed we were for time--somehow, Van helped us pull it together. Just as Van pulled all of it together, so did we with this one rehearsal process. That in itself would have put such a smile on Van's face. I can see it when I close my eyes.
Being home in Western Mass makes me never want to return to Philadelphia. I love it there, but there's really nothing like being home with some of the most genuine people I have ever met. Especially after the night I've had and seeing some faces I haven't seen in oh so long--I just want more time home to catch up. I dread the return back. Home to an empty house, bills, and long commutes. It's a whole different lifestyle living in Philadelphia. Obviously it deems more independent and requires a whole hell of a lot more than when I'm home. But being twenty, I find myself reaching for my youth again. My youth seems so far in the past now but I know that I'm taking care of business...all I have to do now is find a job in this awful economy. Pffft!
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